What another year has taught me
The new year has already begun in many parts of the world. I’ve received photos of fireworks from the Philippines, cheers from my sister in Germany and well wishes from my sisters in Dubai. My niece turned one in Ottawa and while my family celebrates her now, I am waking from a nap in my bed surrounded by books, the boys downstairs leaving me to my peace. This year has been particularly chaotic in a way that being in bed writing feels like the best way for this year to end. For once I have no one, not even my own mind (especially my own mind) guilting me.
There are many things I accomplished this year - on top of parenting a tween.
Traveled to twenty cities - some of them new, some of them multiple times this year, half of it for work and half of it for pleasure
Showed my son the motherland with his Lola aka grandmother
Showed up for three different girl friends in three different cities (a surprise 40th, a huge wedding and a reunion)
Fundraised ($13K) and produced a short film for a fellow filmmaker
Co-hosted and organized sixteen events for Film Girlz Brunch in Los Angeles
Hosted a virtual weekly WriteClub for 3-6 writers since July
Successfully managed and supported ten clients and;
Employed nineteen people
Looking back at this list, I'm proud of what I achieved, but also recognize the toll it took on my well-being. I’m exhausted.
This past week I found myself googling, “how to know if you’re experiencing burnout” - spoiler alert: if you’re doing this, you are. I also googled, “how to stop being a people pleaser” because those accomplishments, as solid as they seem, were for others. I’ve been burnt out for a while now - years actually, and I haven’t fully recovered from it. I've only been adding to it. Up until a month ago the tagline of the company was: helping others with their dreams and their visions. This tagline, while well-intentioned, fueled a tendency to overextend myself and prioritize the needs of others above my own.
Last month I met a friend for coffee and I expressed that I wanted to choose myself as an artist more. I have my own artistic pursuits that I’ve neglected in favor of helping others with theirs. I don’t want to give up all my clients, but I don’t want to give up on myself either. She reminded me that it doesn’t have to be right away or all at once. It can be a slow process. It can be a three year or five year goal. It made me think of another friend describing how she moves in her art practice as a mom of two: slowly, like a big ship. It takes her a while to steer the big ship in the right direction, but she moves it nonetheless. This will be me as I pursue my art more seriously. In retrospect, slowly has always been my speed. From the outside I look like a bee, but I’m more of a snail with a soft shell. I need to find a new shell, one with a tougher exterior in order to protect myself from people-pleasing.
I did do a few things for myself this year:
Finished the first draft of my novella and queried a publisher
Took myself solo to two separate conferences to learn: Reese Witherspoon’s Shine Away and the American Film Market
Deactivated my personal social media (IG and Facebook) a week ago, significantly improving my mental health and;
Changed the tagline of the company to: stories driven by purpose - a better reflection of my values and priorities
I don’t have a list of goals for this coming year, instead I have a word.
My word for 2025 is discernment. To make choices with discernment. Too often I've committed to things based on emotion rather than careful consideration of my capacity. As my partner often reminds me: don’t care so much about what others think, adding that as long as I have considered my actions, that I haven’t intentionally hurt someone, and I have been authentic to who I am, then I don’t have to care about what someone feels if I say no to something. A no shouldn’t come with guilt or people that make me feel guilty about it.
2024 ended with a rare black moon, a time of darkness before the new lunar cycle begins. May this coming year also be a time of renewed light and clarity for you too, free of guilt and full of discernment.
Here’s to another year.
Lots of love,
Mai
