a lake drive

I've been waking up lately with my heart beating so fast, I feel like I'm in danger. Sometimes it’s just because I wake up myself. Sometimes it’s because my child has disrupted my sleep for whatever reason it happens to be at 2am. At 4am. At 7am. As a parent of a young child, I accept this is life. But acceptance doesn’t mean it’s any easier.

I am shifting a lot these days and the feelings that are coming up are so intense I catch myself not breathing. No matter all the years and cycles of counselors, therapists, meditation, yoga - all the tools and tricks I’ve been given, all the spiritual practices, sometimes it's just not enough. I’m just not ok.

And it’s ok.

As with all of my shadow cycles, I eventually get out of them. These days I’m not at risk. These days I have support.

These days I'm still as exhausted.

The other evening my partner and I were driving. We turned the bend and the lake appeared like a welcoming friend, beckoning us to dip our toes. He pulled over, knowing all too well my connection to water. I took my socks and shoes off, feeling the cool waves break over my feet. How quickly every worry, ache, sadness or anger can just disappear and everything that’s truly important comes into remembrance,

Deep breaths.

The sound of the waves breaking brought me back to the ocean of my homeland. I was taught once that we have literal tubes of energy connecting us to the land, and they are especially bigger, stronger and brighter when we are on the land of our ancestors. The further away we are, the dimmer that tube is, leaving us prone to more ailments. Sadness.

I think that’s why nature is so healing for me. It’s the place that connects me to home. No matter where I am in the world, the waters connect. The stars are visible. The moon shines.

We put our socks and shoes back on. The rhythm of the water had soothed my achy heart and it was time to continue. My heart felt steadier. We turned another bend and I gasped at the sight of the moon..

How big she was. The moon was so big, a pale pink globe reflecting on the waters of the lake, whispering her hellos. If she were a human, she would be the person who walked into the room - the most magnificent, beautiful human in a stunning evening gown or brightly colored, sparkling suit, stars trailing behind - no eyes could look away.

I was breathing again. Deeply.

These are the moments that help the shadows lift. I collect them. I collect them for meditation. For the nights where sleep is a lost friend. For the days where it’s hard to move. For the weeks, months even, when my head is just barely above the water. When there is nothing left of myself to give.

These are the moments that keep me steady, returning my heart back to a peaceful rhythm, regaining the strength and the energy needed for everything.

We all need a lake drive.

More often than we think.

Small wave breaking on the shore of Lake Ontario during a sunset.