Life with a pre-teen

I’m a parent to a pre-teen (tween) now, and I have no idea where the time has gone. Nothing can prepare you for the reality of parenting - at any age. Everyone without children thinks they'll know how to be a (good) parent when they have their own. Everyone says they’ll parent differently. I’ve been that person. Some people never want to have children, and I don’t blame them. There are a lot of expectations placed on parents. Society has established the “norm” for us long before we could question it.

Everyone's experience parenting is different. I’m here to share my version of life with a pre-teen because there are few writing about it.

1. There are a lot of assumptions.

When I tell people (new parents and non-parents) my child’s age, the reactions have varied. Most assume it's “less work.” That I have “way more time” to pursue my career or things I enjoy. He's “old enough to take care of himself now” so you’re “free.” All comments I've received. What they’re saying feels like: “parenting is over, get back to prioritizing capitalism!”

Everyone knows a baby is hard. As a parent to a tween, it’s not easier, it’s tolerable. 

2. There are different challenges.

With babies, you’re sleep deprived with no one to talk to. With pre-teens, you’re burnt out with a human that can communicate feelings. You try to respect their boundaries, but you also make the rules. Your actions and behavior matter even more because now they remember everything. On top of these challenges, you “need” to place them in camps, sports and afterschool programs.

Society says parenting is not as important as money. You must be working traditional hours. Society says you must spend all that hard-earned money on extracurriculars.

I don’t want to spend hours shuttling my child from program to program, and my child doesn’t want that either. So we don’t.

3. Life is not about you… still.

As someone involved in parenting, life is constant and evolving. I have to be flexible. Last week I spent four days tending to a sick child. It caused stress on my child to miss school. It caused me stress from worry. I missed a lot of work and became sleep deprived. I had to pass on a girls night, something I was really looking forward to.

I move around my schedule, and block off hours because something “might happen” and my child may need me. My outings with and without him require precision time management. During school hours, my ringer is set to loud in case the office calls with news that I have to pick him up. When he's home, I'm engaged. Art dates, meals, documentaries, music. Although running my own business allows me more flexibility, I have to find time to make up for lost time.

I’ve had non-parent friends that don’t understand the shift in priorities. They expect me to have the same time and energy for our relationship. I don’t. The last thing I want in a friend-relation is another human that takes more from me. 

4. Life with a pre-teen is lonely… still.

Life with a baby feels isolating, but there is a different loneliness as a pre-teen parent. Playdates become challenging if you don’t love the parents, but your kids love each other. You want your kids to form friendships outside of school, but finding kids to play with at tween age is not fun or easy.

As a mom, I struggle with fitting in, both with parents and with non-parents. I look young but I’m actually old - with an older child. It’s also challenging to find alone time with my partner. Finding a good, reliable babysitter that wants to babysit a pre-teen and doesn't cost a fortune is hard. Even when we can get out of the house, the stress of getting home at a certain time for the babysitter is not enjoyable.

Some friends say, bring your kid, it’ll be fun! Fun for who? With a baby you can bring them around with you and people think they’re cute, but with a pre-teen they get bored. My child doesn’t want to sit around adults hearing us talk. It’s also not enjoyable for me because I can’t be fully present for anyone.

5. Balancing the internal struggle is a struggle.

When my child was a toddler, I imagined life with a tween meant my life could get back to “normal.” I didn’t realize then that “normal” would end up meaning life is different. As someone with no family or close parent friends around, I often feel at a loss when it comes to balancing my life. I struggle with the duel between the independent free-bird woman and the homebody versions of myself. I struggle with wanting to place my interests over putting my child first. I struggle with the fact that soon it won’t be cool to hang with mom this much. 

I’m coming to accept this is how life with a pre-teen is: incredible yet emotional. Fun yet unpredictable. Full of love yet full of sacrifices. Fulfilling, yet still lacking sleep.

6. I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

I know I’m lucky. Our family loves to spend time together. My child and I so close. I’ve never met anyone else that I would ever want to spend this much time with. We’re privileged that we can weave our life schedules around each other. It’s not the norm to be this attentive, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I don’t want to let someone else’s dream take priority over mine. And I don’t want the pursuit of money to dictate my life, more than it already has. 

Life is short. Situations can change in a heartbeat. I want to look back at my life and think, wow, I did that. Because I know what little time I have with my child, no matter how challenging, is worth spending to its fullest.

My child swinging on a rope swing found on a path at Fryman Canyon park hike.